One month passed. Then 2, then 3, 4, 5, then 6 and so it went. Making a baby turned out not that easy of a task. All the couples around us were able to start families fast, but for us it was not that easy. Everyone said, “It will happen, just don’t think about it”. I loathed that line! Every month was like you were being put through a test and no matter how much you studied you would fail. Lemon. Definite lemon.
Obviously my husband loved the studying, I mean what man wouldn’t? But even for him the wait proved to be tedious. After a year of trying we decided it was time to go see if maybe there was some issue we were not aware of. Both of us were pretty healthy – maybe a couple of love handles and the occasional hamburger and fries, but nothing too extreme.
A year passed. 365 days at that time felt really long. We were referred to the fertility clinic to go get medical tests to rule out anything major. And so the testing began! It is crazy how blind we were to how things really worked, I thought we could get pregnant at any time. But no, we were schooled in the magic of my temping, tracking peak days, timing our intimate times to a T. Medical tests were not fun, waiting for results sucked and I ended up turning to the internet and scaring myself – Why do we do that? I would get my blood-work papers and try to check what each test was for and why. What kind of complications could arise if I failed any of them? Women are crazy!
We tried to keep a positive outlook on everything, as some of those tests were very uncomfortable. My least favorite test was the Hysterosalpingogram. Yeah, good luck pronouncing it, but basically an ink test. It showed doctors the inside of my tubes, to make sure they were not blocked. Well Muffin thought it would be funny to make jokes based around the character Pearl (the octopus) from Finding Nemo. He would say, “Oh honey, did you ink yourself?” It’s these kinds of things that made our journey a little lighter because we dealt with everything as a team. If I was hurting, his goal was to make me smile, and vice versa.
Sometimes it seemed nothing was easy anymore. It was turning into work, and with the amount of chaos we already had every day, this was that much more on our plate. As much as we all love the process, this became a chore that had to be done on my body’s schedule. Yes I said chore. Not to mention the fertility drugs you are on. WOW. I know they don’t affect everyone, but I think I have received a small taste test of menopause – happy, sad, angry, sweaty, clammy, cold, hungry, and 101 other things all balled up into one.
Two years passed and just like every other month before this one, I did my monthly check. After mounds of pregnancy tests and ovulation kits, this month the pregnancy test decided to show me something I had never seen before – so did the 5 other pregnancy tests I took. I love Lemonade! We were pregnant, and we were beside ourselves. The joy that flooded through us was the most intense feeling in the world. So much happiness that not for a slight minute you thought all that waiting wasn’t worth it. We told everyone we knew: family, friends, acquaintances and essentially everyone we came in contact with. I smiled so much. At night as I lay dreaming about our little bean, my face muscles would throb. Three days later I woke up and noticed I was bleeding. Don’t you hate when you go to grab that last lemon out of a bag and it has molded?
I went to the doctor. They did blood work. My HCG levels were not doubling. Needless to say, I ended up having the worst week. While I was at the hospital our bean had stopped in my tube. I was having an Ectopic pregnancy. We were not only destroyed emotionally, but the pain I endured to end up at the hospital in the first place was surreal. Sadness took over us for a while. We had to take a break and heal. Losing a pregnancy is the most horrible experience. Words cannot express how broken you feel. No matter how much support I had, I was broken, and so was my husband. No one ever mentions how the man feels. I can tell you not only was my husband feeling the hurt, but he saw all the physical pain I went through. The fact he couldn’t take it away or fix it made him so upset, and of course we lost our baby.
Now when I look back at it I can’t believe what three days of happiness can do to us emotionally when it’s taken away. A bit of time passed, and we started moving forward slowly. We decided to make a plan B in case we would need to do in vitro fertilization. Fast forward, fast forward…no one likes moldy lemons.
It was time to have fun again and not make it such a huge component in our lives. Just go with the flow and try not to put so much pressure on each other. We started to laugh more than before, smile, be spontaneous, release a little stress and remember how strong we are together. The summer would prove to be a hectic and busy one, which kept our minds busy while selling and buying a new home. As soon as September came we ended up getting the call that we could come in to the fertility clinic and try a procedure to see if that would work. Well let me tell you right here and now that I love a nice tall glass of lemonade with lots of ice, so cold that the glass sweats. And here was our cold lemonade.